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SubscriptionsSites I Read
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| even through all the ups and downs
you can't stop the way i feel now
even through the storm, joy & pain
i won't change, still feel the same
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| uhh, ok i do it for the love
bunk bed flow, always one level above
if i’m in ya starting five you will never need a sub
and i’m neva looking down so i always know wassup
a lot of people sayin fuck me
problem is they be telling everybody but me
but i always got a starbucks verse
being brewed too hot please please double cup me
- drake, the winner
less than a week til random family members start flying in. less than two weeks til my sister's wedding/reception. i guess i'm losing a sister but gaining a brother (in law). it's funny cause when we were deciding on speeches my dad was saying he didn't want it to be us crying and being sappy.. he only wants entertainment, something guests will find funny. but i wonder when the time is going to be when i'll be able to release my emotions and say good bye to my sister. lol a lot of times i don't show much emotion to people but i really am a little emo child inside. it's sad, when tina and i were planning out our speech we were wondering what to say... and sadly i realized i don't even have old memories with sheena. we haven't lived under the same roof for over eight years, and since then she only comes home occasionally. however, when she does come home it's my time to ask her for advice. i think if someone was to ask me who i look up to it'd be her. i'm so proud of all that's she's done with her life... attending prestigious colleges both undergrad and grad, getting a double degree, recently passing both the national and california pharmacy board exams, landing a job right after graduating, staying with her fiancee for seven years while they were seperated across the country for three years, etc etc the list goes on. she really is the perfect child lol. i'm glad people say me and her are really alike, because i hope that someday i'll be as accomplished as she is.
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| ahhh summer. it's the time that everyone looks forward to during school, and sadly it's the time i dread because it means that i'm forced to go home and live with my parents and their rules. which basically means no going out at night, doing whatever it is they need me to do, being a good girl and studying, blah blahh. but it's weird, usually i'd be going crazy by now and demanding that i be able to go out... and i haven't. sad really but i think it's cause i feel so disconnected from my high schools friends from home that i don't even bother trying anymore (starrs really is dead). i also think i'm not complaining yet because i'm finally realizing i need to grow up. just thinking about what i need to prepare for is leaving me with a feeling of dread... pcat on august 22, finding a job, getting my stupid ass college gpa up, finishing up pharm school requirements, research, and somehow managing to spend time with those who are important to me. aaand i'm no longer going to be a teen after august 1  speaking of birthdays. i hate them. i've lost count of how many people have tried to convince me into thinking that birthdays are fun and happy and blah blah but idk. i've probably said this before but for me, birthdays mark a new year. and for some reason unknown to me, every birthday i look back on the year that passed and only think about the bad things that have happened. and i don't think it's going to help much that on this birthday i have pcat class for 3 hours, family coming to stay with us that i don't particularly get along with, and on top of that i have to go to my sister's in laws house pretty much all night for a pre wedding party shindig. plus the boy i'm unhealthily obsessed with will be flying back to norcal that day. oh well. time for me to suck it up.
things that have kept me sane this summer:
- being able to talk to rohan almost everyday
- b4u channel, food network, usa network
- saati and rucha
- talking to random people online
- surprisingly, wedding preparations. probably because my sister's been so busy with pharmacy board exams that i've been forced to make decisions for her (supposedly we have similar tastes and i know how she thinks).. also because indian weddings are a reflection of the bride's family and so i want it to be the best it can be
- another surprise, pcat classes... i dread going to them because of the length of each class but time always seems to fly during class lol. plus it makes me feel as if i'm actually doing SOMETHING academic. problem is, i haven't really been keeping up... and my test is a little more than a month away. panic timeee!
random, but i hate the feeling of forced closeness between people. becoming close to someone shouldn't be something you have to try to achieve. if it happens, it'll happen on it's own. lol that's all i'm gonna say about that.
"Regret is an odd emotion because it comes only upon reflection. Regret lacks immediacy, and so its power seldom influences events when it could do some good."
- William O'Rourke
lol i just googled regret quotes and this was the only one that i semi agreed with. what is up with all these quotes about not regretting anything in life? even though you regret after you make a mistake, it still does some good. you need to regret in order to learn from your mistakes. without regret you're unable to take responsibility for whatever it is you did... you'd just keep making the same mistake over and over.
according to neil trivedi, you know you regret something if you keep dwelling on what it is you did... if you're always thinking about it or it's in the back of your mind. if you don't dwell on it anymore, then you might still regret it, but at the same time you've learned your lesson and you're able to move on. i regret a lot of things i did this past school year, but i think i've learned my lesson...
and that was my attempt at being semi-deep/philosophical, major fail.
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| neil trivedi is sitting next to me in emerald bay, room d, june 7, at 6:10 pm. he is also writing in his blogspot, which i am trying to find heehehee.
... i just found neil's blogspot. it's very insightful. it seems like everyone's journal i read online seems to be full of deep meaningful quotes/messages. it makes me kinda sad haha because most of the stuff that goes on my mind are things i don't feel like sharing.. or i just don't know how to write them out. damn me and my secretiveness.
i love listening to smashing pumpkins - eye. it's a lovely song. i think i could probably listen to it multiple times without getting over it.
how long should someone have to punish themselves for doing something wrong? that's been on my mind for a while. this quarter has been really good (thanks to certain people), but while i'm feeling the happiest/most loved i have in a while, that tiny voice in the back of my head is telling me i shouldn't be feeling so good.
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| i am STILL working on changing all my xanga entries from private to public, i'm only on december 2004 and i have to go until 2002 i think.. great.
once you do something to fuck me over in any way i will hold that against you, i don't care how close we used to be, how many memories we shared, blah blah bullshit. and this applies to more than one person so yay for me right now I'M JUST FULL OF ANGER. but optimism is my new policy, according to chandni it's a good change for me so we shall see.
my other policy - not thinking and just going with the flooowww. overthinking about something small will just cause more troubles for me.. not necessarily drama but stress maybe? i don't know. i don't want to think, my brain is tired haha.
i'm listening to shakira feat. alejandro sanz - la tortura on repeat and it is just a good good song i lovee ittt. and earlier today me and saati were cruising down the streets listening to soul decision - faded. yay for old school songs =)
it is now time for a new era in my travelling adventures, riverside was so last quarter.. now it's all about san diegoo and RUCHA! and our emo moments. and our angerness.
and now i shall sleep.
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